KIRTLAND AIR FORCE BASE, N.M. -- Each person in a marriage should keep his or her own identity but complement the other, a married chaplain and counselor said at a spouse resiliency event Friday.
Chaplain Capt. David Dziolek and his wife, Dinah, a mental health counselor, spoke about boundaries at the event, which targeted military spouses but was open to anyone. The couple quoted psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Dinah Dziolek said a boundary is “where you end and your spouse begins.” Each person is responsible for his or her own feelings, attitudes and behaviors, she said.
Chaplain Dziolek said people couldn’t force somebody else to feel a certain way, although they play a role.
“How you respond is not my responsibility,” he said.
A boundary shouldn’t keep everyone away, he continued, but should let in what the person wants in and keep out what the person wants out. He said people shouldn’t let others manipulate them or agree to every request.
Dinah Dziolek said marriage isn’t about making each other happy.
“Marriage is about iron sharpening iron and being better because of the other person,” she said, adding that the process can be hard work and uncomfortable.
She advised against waiting for the other person to change. Individuals should take responsibility and change themselves, which will lead to other changes in the situation, she continued. As love grows, Dinah Dziolek said, so do self-control and responsibility, which brings even more love.
“Grace does not demand change,” Chaplain Dziolek said.
Love chooses the other person as he or she is, he continued, and brings about a desire to change.
“We’re not supposed to complete each other,” he said.
Couples should maintain separate identities but come alongside and enhance each other, Chaplain Dziolek said.
Dinah Dziolek said each partner must identify with the other’s experiences and have compassion.
People need to cherish their partner’s existence apart from themselves and what they get from their partner, she said.
Also at the event:
• Shawmarie Caudillo of the Airman and Family Readiness Center recommended the center’s financial counseling and Key Spouse program.
• Master resiliency trainer Senior Master Sgt. Ricky Martinez of the 150th Special Operations Wing stressed the importance of constant communication between couples.
• Military and Family Life Counselor Scott Conner taught ways to work out a disagreement.
• Retired Senior Master Sgt. Greg Wright told about his experience as a domestic violence survivor.